Teaching Kids to Identify & Express Their Feelings
As an adult we know what it is like to have a rush of emotion. Even with all of our life experience it can take time to process how we feel and manage our behaviour in appropriate ways. Kids experience complex emotions too but they don’t always have a way to express and manage them.
From the moment a child is born, they are learning the skills they need to deal with their emotions. They pick up cues through interacting with all the important people in their lives. That means as a parent or carer, you have a big role to play in supporting your child to learn how to manage their emotions in constructive ways. With your help they can recognise when they feel a certain way and why, and with this self-awareness they can engage in self-regulating their emotions and move toward making good decisions.
In this post, we’ll look at the strategies you can use to help your child manage emotions from toddlers to teens.
Why self-regulation matters
Self-regulation is the ability to understand and manage behaviour and reactions to feelings and things happening around you. When a child learns to self-regulate their emotions in childhood it leads to positive attitudes and behaviours later in life. So, being able to self-regulate by using healthy ways to express and deal with their feelings is an important skill for your child to learn.
Self-regulation helps your child:
be empathic
By regulating feelings and subsequent reactions your child finds the time and space to listen to others and to take their feelings into account. This supports the development of more positive and stable relationships.
manage stress
By learning how to deal with emotions they find uncomfortable or deal with unexpected and challenging changes, your child develops and enhances resilience and coping skills. This helps your child feel more confident, competent and capable.
control impulses
By learn to behave in ways that are deemed socially acceptable, for example, knowing how to react rationally instead of lashing out in anger when something doesn’t go their way.
learn at school
By helping them sit and pay attention in the classroom.
develop independence
By being able to reflect on their behavioural choices and consider how to best react in future situations, your child develops the ability to make appropriate decisions with less guidance from you.
Make friends
By developing the ability to take turns whether that be on the playground or in conversation, and by being able to express emotions in appropriate ways.
Improve mental wellbeing
By taking into account all the benefits listed above, your child fosters a positive attitude and constructive behaviours that serve to bolster mental and emotion wellbeing.
How does self-regulation develop?
And why do you need to know? As an adult, we know that when our emotions are running high it’s not overly useful for someone to tell us to, ‘Calm down!’ Yet, if our 2-year-old is having an epic meltdown in the middle of the grocery store aisle, we may demand they quit their impressive outburst. Your child may not be developmentally capable of regulating their emotions, and your expectations of what they should do may not match what they can do. It is helpful to know what you can reasonably expect as they progress through their developmental stages.
The pre-frontal cortex, that part of the brain that is responsible for impulse control, is not fully developed in young children and will not reach maturity until around the age of 25 years. For this reason, children may act impulsively rather than rationally. Although they may not have the capacity to handle certain situations, they are developing the skills to independently regulate their emotions.
Babies - cannot self-regulate and it is important to offer comfort if they are unsettled.
Toddlers - are starting to show signs of self-regulation as they can wait a short time for food, toys or play. But if overwhelmed by emotion or need a toddler doesn’t have the skills to process or articulate their feelings or moderate their behaviour which can result in a tantrum.
Preschoolers - through social interaction they are beginning to learn what is socially expected of them. They start to realise that they are expected to share, or quieten their voices in certain places like church or the movies.
School-age kids - are starting to see other people’s perspectives making it easier for them to control their impulses. This means they are increasingly able to consider if their reactions are acceptable or if there is a more appropriate way to act.
Pre-teens and teenagers - are really starting to think about how their behaviour will impact others, for example, taking into account your perspective when negotiating what time they are expected to be home from a party. They are better able to control their impulses allowing them to plan and stick with a difficult task, such as studying for a test.
How to help your child to self-regulate feelings
Use our free printables to help your child identify how they feel.
Although we will address age specific techniques there are some fundamentals that remain the same no matter the age of your child.
Behind every behaviour is a feeling
What we can be quick to label as being ‘naughty’ or ‘difficult’ can be your child working through their reactions to big feelings. Your child may be responding to core conditions such as hunger, tiredness or illness. And consider if some of their strengths are tripping them up. A very driven child may not cope if they make a mistake, or an intuitive child may soak up people’s negative moods. By understanding the meaning and feeling that drives the reaction you are better placed to support your child to find a different way to express their emotions.
Listen to your child
Be present. Support your child to identify and express their feelings so that they are heard. Resist the desire to ease your child’s bad feelings. Be aware that although you may not share their perspective about the events that underlie their feelings, you still need to respect how they feel. Dismissing or minimising the way they feel can lead them to express feelings in an unhealthy way. Everyone wants to be heard.
Be patient and choose your moment
Talking about emotions and how to manage a response is never as effective when the emotional intensity is high. You need to step in before they are struggling with their emotions or when the moment has passed. During the moment, as hard as it can sometimes be, exercise patience.
There are no bad emotion
Emotions are a part of life and there should be no shame attached to how we feel. Rather, the focus is on how we deal with emotions. Feelings can make us comfortable (happy, peaceful) or uncomfortable (angry, embarrassed). Uncomfortable feelings can be indicators of the need for redirecting our focus, for example, if we are feeling irritation do we need a break?
Stay calm
It’s not easy to stay calm but if you model calm behaviour then your child is more likely to express and manage emotions in a healthy way. If you are yelling at your child to calm down you are only going to inflame the situation, teach your child inappropriate responses or deliver the message that emotions are bad and it is not ok to feel strong emotions.
Children under 3
Your child will be experiencing emotions before they can name them. They have yet to develop the vocabulary and language skills necessary to articulate how they feel and why. These are ways you can help them build their skills.
From our ‘How I feel today’ free printables
Identifying emotions - being able to put a name to the feeling is the first step in being able to self-regulate. If your child is demonstrating an emotion name it and talk about it. ‘You’re crying. You are frustrated that you cannot play outside.’ Label the emotions you or other people are feeling, ‘I am feeling sad because I am missing your Grandma.’
Use play and storytelling - help your kid explore emotions through play and storytelling. Act out scenarios for emotions using puppets, toys or drama. Identify examples in their storybooks. Talk about ways to deal with those emotions, ‘When you feel sad you can ask for a hug.’
Strategies
Learning to calm down after strong emotions is part of your child’s ability to self-regulate. So, how do you help them calm-down?
Stay close - if your child is upset. Offer comfort by getting down next to them, and maybe putting your arm around them. Give them a hug or let them sit on your knee if that’s what they want to do.
Reassurance and understanding - reassure them that you understand their feelings, ‘I know you really want to go to the playground today, and you are angry because today is not our playground day.’
A quiet place - if it is possible give them a quiet place to settle down away from stimulation and other people.
Firm and gentle - prevent them from hurting themselves, hurting others or breaking objects by moving things out of reach or holding their hands to stop them from hitting.
Children 3 to 8
Children in this age group are starting to learn to recognise and name their emotions. Building these skills requires practice and the best time to do it is when they are relaxed and before their emotions reach intensity. You wouldn’t expect a child to play the violin for the very first time in front of an audience without practice, and the same holds true for working through emotions. Here are some ways you can support your child:
Connect through storytelling - share a time when you felt the same way. ‘When I was your age I lost my favourite toy and I yelled and cried just like you but then later I….’
Show that you recognise your emotions - and then help them recognise theirs. ‘When I lost my keys I yelled loudly. Is that what you do when you make a mistake and feel angry?’
Explore emotions - through play, story telling, drawing, dancing and music. Give your child plenty of opportunities to explore situations and discuss how they may feel in those situations and what they do when they feel that way. You might consider choosing an emotion and acting it out, or turning it into a guessing game, ‘How am I feeling?’ Don’t be afraid to get messy to help them release tension or show how they feel. Why not stomp in puddles or use their hands to smear paint on the page?
Read and watch - books and shows provide great examples of characters dealing with their feelings. You may point out when a character is feeling a certain emotion, ‘Look at his face, he seems sad.’ You can also consider books that deal with emotions such as ‘A little spot of anger: A story about managing big emotions’.
Identify the physical response - that your child may feel with a particular emotion. As adults we know about butterflies in the tummy when we get nervous but your kid may not realise that funny feeling is connected to their emotions. The physical response is another way to recognise and identify feelings.
Do an activity sheet - that gives your kid the opportunity to think about how they are feeling and talk about why. Our ‘How do I feel today?’ printable will give your kid options to work through those big feelings in a guided way.
Strategies
It can be hard for your kid to use strategies when they are struggling with their emotions, so help them calm down first.
Notice the emotion - are they angry, sad, frustrated.
Name it and connect it to the situation - by acknowledging how they feel and why. This demonstrates to your child that you understand how they feel and that this feeling is OK, even if their behaviour is not.
Pause and say nothing - to give your child time to think about what you have said. It will be hard not to start talking but remember you are trying to give your child the chance to manage those feelings.
Address the behaviour or help them solve the problem.
Acknowledge - how they felt, ‘I’m sorry you felt sad.’
Reassurance and comfort - a hug can do a lot.
Offer alternatives - what else could they do when experiencing that emotion? Perhaps if they are angry they could pick up a cushion and squeeze it really hard. Suggest alternative ways of dealing with the problem, for example, instead of snatching a toy asking for a turn. You can ask them if they have ideas and then practice through role play.
Address inappropriate behaviour - Acknowledge that it was ok to feel that emotion but not to engage in that behaviour.
Boundaries - respect the feeling but address the behaviour. ‘I know you were angry but it is never ok to hit another person and you will not be able to … ‘
Struggling to calm down? Try this…
Stay safe - make sure you are both safe
Stay close and calm - and demonstrate that you can handle big emotions and they don’t have to be overwhelming. It is ok to move a little away to give them a bit of space but make sure they know they are safe and you are there.
Name the feeling - repeat that you understand how they feel.
Get support -if you have another person available ask them for help.
Patience - wait for the emotion to pass. It can be very hard for young kids to calm down that big complex emotion. Resist asking them to take a deep breath or use their words because they may not be ready or able to do so.
Pre-teens and teenagers
Although at this age your kid may have the vocabulary to name an emotion they may not actually recognise how they feel. And because that beautiful brain of theirs is still developing they may not manage their emotions in an adult way. Pre-teens and teenagers still need guidance from you if they are to manage emotions independently.
Recognise trigger points - help them to identify situations that may be the trigger for strong emotions. Do not encourage them to avoid those situations but rather develop strategies for coping. Look for cues, such as changes in body language or verbal responses. Step in if you can see those emotions building, because the sooner your child can notice their emotional changes the easier it will be for them to implement coping strategies. For example, if you notice their anxiety rising when they are studying for a test you may encourage them to take a break and get some air and come back refreshed.
Help them notice the physical signs - point out those physical changes that occur in response to emotion. You may relate it back to yourself, ‘When I had to present my idea to my boss yesterday, I felt my heart racing and my stomach churning. Does that happen to you when you are nervous?’ Perhaps when they are sharing how they felt in response to something that happened in their day, you may encourage them to explore their physical response.
Share your own management strategies - tell them what you do when you notice strong emotions are building up, ‘When I feel stress rising, I stop and take a few deep breaths until I feel the stress easing. Would that work for you?’
Strategies
There are a number of actions they can employ when their emotions are building in intensity. If they have options, they can choose the one they feel will work best in a given situation. It is also useful to practice some of these before being called upon to use them. Tools such as meditation or breathing exercises should be introduced when your kid is relaxed and then they know how to use them when emotions are building.
If your child is experiencing intense emotions you can employ the same techniques listed above to help them calm down before you can help them solve a problem or respond to challenging behaviour. What you do after your child has calmed down depends on the situation, what caused the outburst and how they were behaving. Be patient and them know you are there if they need you. Strategies they can try include:
walk away and take some time out
exercise - go for a walk, kick a ball, go for a run
breathing exercises - a series of deep breaths. Work on making the exhale longer than the inhale.
meditation
listen to music
watch something that will make them laugh
ask for help to discuss those feelings and ideas for different ways to do things (but only if they ask)
talk to friend
The Final Word
Supporting your child develop the ability to self-regulate emotions will help them navigate life challenges without overwhelm and with increased resilience. As a parent or care giver it can be challenging to find your own calm and handle your child’s ever evolving emotional landscape. However, with strategies to hand, you can provide a supportive environment for your child, no matter their age, to explore and manage their feelings to create a positive attitude and healthy life outlook.